


Worthy

by HavokandSass



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:53:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28509975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HavokandSass/pseuds/HavokandSass
Summary: Hamato Leonardo always doubted himself. His ability to protect those he loved, his ninja skills, his worth. After their first battle with the Shredder, he grows more and more afraid for his family's safety and his ability to fulfill his duties as a leader. What happens when he finally breaks under the pressure?
Kudos: 24





	Worthy

Another swing of the sword - another failure. His forms were slow, sloppy. His blocks and deflect techniques were just as imperfect. 

The lair was drowned in darkness and dead quiet. It was late at night and everyone was sound asleep, so Leonardo was careful not to make any noise during his training session. Double win - he was training both his fighting skills and stealth. After their first defeat at the hands of the Shredder, it became his goal to get better. 

Leonardo improved in time, but it wasn’t enough and maybe it would never be. Even so, he kept practicing every night. He didn’t think anyone knew and it was better that way. His brothers would just urge him to stop and not overload himself as well as his father. But Leo couldn’t stop, he still wasn’t strong enough. Not just physically, but also mentally and in skill. He had to be unmistakable in order to protect his family properly. 

His whole life, he felt like he had to prove his worth to his Sensei, to his brothers, to the whole universe. He always struggled to be the best in everything, to convince that he was deserving of the family he had, that he possessed what it took to keep them all safe. To prove that he was a good brother and son, an honorable warrior and strong leader, who could be seen as a role model. He struggled to prove that he was worthy to be alive. 

Yet, he failed on all accounts time and time again, which led Leonardo to drown deeper in an ocean of despair. Once again, he swung his katana in a series of hits, imagining his opponent in front of him. Wrong footwork, clumsy handiwork - little details that drove him crazy.  
 _  
‘Heroes don’t fail, so you can’t either.’  
_

_‘One’_

A tornado kick ending with a diagonal left slice. - wrong leg position. If there was someone attacking him now, they could easily make him lose his balance. 

_‘Two’_

Backflip, rising kick, right stab. - slow performance. 

Leo groaned in frustration and gritted his teeth. He was supposed to study advanced methods and here he was, stumbling on essential stuff like some beginner. Being sick of repeating the old teachings, he proceeded to the newest things Master Splinter had shown him and things he had seen his Sensei practice. Unfortunately, his efforts weren’t more successful than the previous ones and he fell on the ground after trying to perform a difficult combo. 

_‘Come on!’  
_  
The oldest turtle from the Hamato clan stood up with great annoyance.  
 _  
‘Why can’t I do anything right for once!’_

He tried again and again, failing every time, but still standing up in the starting position to try one more time. 

Hours passed and Leonardo kept training, without feeling exhaustion. Instead, he got angrier over his flawed moves and pathetic forms. Every detail was significant to him and not nailing it in time seemed like a crucial misstep. In a battle, every moment was decisive. Their enemies were going to slaughter them at the first opportunity and being slow meant certain demise. Leo couldn’t lead his brothers to death. As the oldest and the leader, he was supposed to be doing the opposite, but how could he when he was so damn weak. If anything happened to them, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself or face Splinter presenting his father the horrific news of his sons’ gruesome end. 

If Leo died, it would be to protect them. It was his duty and failing would mean that he was unworthy to be called a brother or a son. With their death, everything he had ever worked for would collapse over him; his purpose would be lost and his existence meaningless. Leonardo already carried the weight of the world on his shoulders - adding the weight of his crumbled family would only crush him completely. On top of that, he knew he couldn’t live a day without any of them. Mikey’s bright smile that always made him feel better, Raph’s sarcastic remarks, or Donnie’s scientific babble. Fear stiffened his heart and sent cold shivers down his spine to even imagine them being gone. 

One too many times, he would have terrible nightmares of his family getting brutally murdered and Leo would wake up with died down in his throat screams of both terror and inhumane anger. Fresh tears would still spill down his cheeks only for him to realize that he was in his bed at home. Then a lump would form in his chest and it would feel as if his heart was being crushed against his ribcage because nothing was stopping any of this from actually happening. Just like that, with death’s aura hanging over him like a halo of frost, Leonardo would go to the dojo and train himself senseless, until dawn broke.  
 _  
“I am worthy.”_

Slice, block, kick.   
_  
‘ of Father.’  
_

Aerial, diagonal slice, straight kick.  
 _  
‘ of Mikey.’  
_

Backflip, background kick, horizontal slice.   
_  
‘of Donnie.’  
_

Deflect, sidekick, stab.   
_  
‘of Ra--’_

“How long have you been doing this?” A disembodied voice, who still sounded sleepy, snatched him away from his thoughts and training. Leo turned to the doorless entrance in surprise.

A figure, which Leo’s adapted to the dark eyes recognized as Raphael, was leaning on the doorframe with crossed arms and a raised imaginary eyebrow. Leo cleared his throat to regain his thoughts. “How long have you been standing there?” He answered with a question. 

“Long enough,” Raph bluntly replied and took a few steps in the dojo, letting his arms fall to the sides of his body. 

“And--,” Leo paused to pick his words. Couldn’t Raph just let him be? “what do you want?”

“Since I have noticed you are pulling those all-nighters recently, I wanted to know what it was all about,” Raph raised his three-fingered hand and pointed at Leo accusingly, “This is ridiculous. It is two o’clock and you are training all alone in the darkness.” 

“Raph, if you are going to lecture me, just leave,” Leo waved him off and started to turn away, ready to ignore his brother as he was sure Raph wouldn’t leave at once. Of course, he turned outright. 

“I have seen you a couple of times, but I am sure you have been sneaking in here longer. You are overwhelming yourself,” Raph continued to speak, purposefully ignoring Leo’s not-so-kind request to leave. His older brother was just being stubborn as usual. Raphael could hardly believe that he of all people would have to knock some sense into Leo. Watching him train and grunt in frustration over the little motions he had messed up - it left a strange feeling in Raph’s chest. He couldn’t watch his brother do this to himself. 

The older turtle proceeded to continue with his training but looked over his shoulder once more. Raphael was now closer to him, his arms crossed over his chest and an annoyed expression to round out. “Just leave me alone,” Leo tried again as he wanted to sound authoritative, but ultimately his words came out more like a tired plea. 

This was when the younger turtle understood that something was up with his brother. This wasn’t just simple late training, there was more. Leo always tended to keep to himself, to bury his emotions under the mask of a hard leader. Raph’s expression softened and he reached for his brother’s shoulder, turning him around so they could face each other. “Leo--”

As Leonardo locked eyes with Raphael, an image flashed before his eyes and filled his heart with pure terror. Raph was standing in front of him, blood pouring from multiple wounds, the thick liquid flowing down his bruised body, in places in little rivers, but elsewhere massively bleeding. One of his eyes was wrinkled out of the eye-socket, leaving behind a bloody abyss. His shell was almost ripped open and pieces were missing, deep cuts showing underneath the exposed flesh. The already red ninja mask was soaked with blood, his brother’s blood. He lifted his shaking hand, pointing straight at Leo’s chest, looking him straight into the eyes with only one. 

_“This is all your fault. You are unworthy of the family you had; weak and soft.”_

“NO, STAY AWAY FROM ME!” Leo pushed away Raph’s hand, withdrawing himself with wobbly steps and arms extended in front of him like a shield. His expression was frantic and his sapphire eyes were darting around the room, looking at anything but Raphael. 

Leo’s outburst shell-shocked Raph still. He was sure he could feel his heartbreaking, as he witnessed his big brother being completely crushed under pressure and fear. Regaining himself as quickly as he could, Raph took a few hesitant steps ahead, unconsciously stretching his left arm in a calming manner.

His brother just kept walking back his whole body shaking in a desperate attempt to run away, until he stumbled and fell back his she'll hitting the wall. He began to press himself against the solid construction just to put more space between himself and the vision, scrabbling on the floor with his feet.

“Leo, it’s alright,” Raph spoke calmly, trying to reach his brother. God, he couldn’t believe what was going on; the whole situation escalated so quickly. Leo acted like a scared animal, trapped helplessly in a cage and Raph found himself filling with fear for his older brother. Just a few things could cause such a colossal reaction. 

Only a weak whimper escaped from Leo’s mouth and Raphael could now see the tears flowing down his cheeks. 

“Please…” The word was choked out between quiet sobs and the red-clad turtle almost missed it. “Just leave me alone.”

Raphael shook his head in disbelief. How could the thought even go through his head? To abandon him… right now. No damn way! Brothers were there for each other, in the good and the bad. Someone needed to remind Leonardo that. He didn't need to hide his fears. 

The hot-head took a tentative step forward, careful not to send Leo in hysteria again. Each step became more unhesitating and soon the space between them was gone. Raph kneeled before his brother and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

Leo's sapphire blue eyes met with his and the leader breathed in sharply as if his brother's touch had burned him. Cold and hot shivers went down his spine and plunged deep into every cell of his body and he shuddered, pushing himself against the wall even more. His movements became tired and weak as if he had given up. There was no room to move anymore. Nowhere to run from this nightmare he was trapped in. 

Blood was dripping down Raphael's face and onto Leo's feet. His eyes were those of a trapped animal looking for an escape, darting around the space of the room. 

“Leo,” Raph whispered with a gentle voice, “please just look at me.” He tried to catch the older turtle’s eyes, but with no luck as the latter began to push him away and fight off the grip on his shoulder. Raphael didn’t fall back or loosen his grip. Leo didn’t even have enough strength to shove him away. 

Refusing to witness his brother’s misery any longer, Raph did something he rarely did: pulled Leo into a tight hug.

The struggling stopped and Leo’s breathing became more controlled. 

“It is alright,” Raph said, still holding his brother, “Everyone is safe and so are you.” 

The blurry fog that had wrapped around his mind started to dispel, clearing his disordered thoughts. Leo pulled himself back and leaned against the wall, his tired eyes wandering around to make sure he was still in the dojo. His brother was still in front of him but wasn’t covered in thick blood and both of his eyes were in place. 

Leonardo was trying to avoid Raphael’s eyes by looking at the three in the center of the dojo. How could he embarrass himself like that? He had to appear fearless, strong, but he completely had crumbled….right in front of Raphael. It wasn’t the first time Leo wanted to sink into oblivion. He couldn’t count the times he just wished he could disappear. This was definitely one of them. He couldn’t ruin anything if he wasn’t there, right?   
_  
“I am not worthy.”_

The oldest turtle buried his head in his hands still shaken up from this night’s events. 

“I know you wouldn’t want to talk about this, but Leo…” Raph spoke softly and with great care, “this isn’t okay.”

Leo shook his head and lifted his eyes up to meet his brother’s. “You are right,” his face was calm and his voice controlled, “I don’t want to talk about this.”   
_  
I really want to be left alone.  
_  
He couldn’t talk about any of this, not to Raph or Splinter or anyone really. His inner battle was only his and no one else’s. Everyone had their own struggles and worries; it wasn’t fair to burden his brother with his own. After all, it wasn’t anyone’s fault that he was insecure. 

He hated feeling vulnerable. The only person he shared his concerns with was his father but still kept so much inside. Leonardo feared he would be deemed inadequate as a leader and a ninja if he let Splinter know how much he doubted himself, how scared he truly was. Leo could feel his hands trembling and he bit the inside of his cheek.   
_  
Oh, grow up, you are overreacting.  
_  
The voice in his head growled annoyed.   
_  
Don’t be such a baby._

Leonardo took a deep breath and steadied his shaking hands. He let a wave of calmness to wash over him and regained his senses. “I am fine, Raph, really.” the older turtle smiled in assurance. To further prove his point, Leo stood up trying his hardest not to let his feet tremble as well. He headed towards the door of the dojo, hoping Raph would just leave it as it was. 

The hot-headed turtle saw right through the facade of his brother. He couldn’t let that slide. Leo would just keep doing the same things, ignoring what happened tonight. Raph caught up with him and put his hand on Leo’s shoulder. 

The older one didn’t even turn around. “Raph--”

“You don’t have to pretend right now. There is no one to see.” 

His eyes watered and soon he couldn’t see past a blurry curtain. A strong flow of bottled-up emotions hit him and before realizing what was happening Leonardo broke down sobbing. Raphael didn’t leave his side. He helped him get to his room and stayed the whole night comforting his older brother until he fell asleep, emotionally and physically drained. 

“You are worthy Hamato Leonardo, I want you to remember that. Never forget it or I will beat your ass,” Raph had told him that night and Leo had laughed. His family loved him no matter what, he was reassured at that. He didn’t need to prove his worth of them to anyone. 

Hamato Leonardo was enough just as he was. With all of his failures and doubts.

**Author's Note:**

> I think you can tell that I like angst hehe. Anyway, the 2012 TMNT is totally my favorite, even if I love most things TMNT. I hope you enjoy this little one-shot with some Leo/Raph brotherly love.


End file.
